If you’ve ever felt angry at someone for what they had done to you, I am pretty sure you are not alone. We have all had encounters with people who have hurt us badly.
At first, we can’t believe that someone could do that to us and be so hurtful. Then, this feeling turns into resentment as we mull it over and over in our heart. Sometimes, this painful behaviour can even last for decades.
One step further, and we hit bitterness. How is bitterness different to resentment? Resentment is our personal hurt. Bitterness is when that hurt is so strong that we mouthed it to others. It is like a dam that bursts and let’s all the water out onto the village below. Now, our hurt is spilling onto others and infected them as well.
That hurt is real and very well founded, I may add, but it is destructive. To us first, and to others by ricochet effect.
So, yes I have been hurt. Why should it be me , the victim, who needs to forgive?
This is a very good question.
A friend of mine told me I needed to forgive. I answered that she didn’t know how much hurt this person had done to me. And that was true, she hadn’t experienced any of it but she answered wisely that she didn’t but that, for my own good, I needed to forgive.
Around about the same time, I had read in a book that bitterness only damaged the person who is bitter. It doesn’t do anything to the one who is the cause of it. I had to reflect on that. I found it to be true. I was the one suffering and causing myself all this extra pain by carrying this hatred.
I knew it had to go, but how?
I cried out to Jesus for help. Some might cringe and think that it is a crutch. That is their right but I knew that without His help, I would never manage it because it hurt too much. Jesus had forgiven me while I was still a sinner, so He knew what it was like to forgive someone who didn’t deserve it.
So, here I was crying out to Him. And He sure helped me. I felt like I could let go of the past by His strength. Forgiving someone frees you from them. It doesn’t mean that you have to forget everything and be best buddies again, sweeping everything under the carpet to start over again, because trust has been broken and needs mending.
But what it does mean, is that you can let go of the hurt. Forgiveness is a decision. From there, your emotions might still rise up from time to time when your memory reminds you of the pain, stress and confusion. But now, when your emotions rise up again, you can call on Jesus once more to give you the strength to stick to your decision. Little by little your feelings and emotions will disappear.
Do I have to reconcile with the other person?
No, you don’t. If the person has not changed or asked for forgiveness, why should you? But now, you are free from those hurtful feelings that were making you captive to your emotions and captive to the hold of that person or the situation they had put you in.
Forgiveness is the release from what was torturing you before.
If the person is ready to ask for forgiveness, they can’t just brush things off as if these things had never happened, because, hello!, they did happen. That person needs to work at restoring what they have damaged in your life. They need to realise they hurt you. They need to restore your confidence in them.
Jesus asked us to forgive our brothers and sisters seventy times seven. Wow! That’s a lot!
Jesus was making a point here obviously. Who can forgive his brother seven times in a day, let alone seventy time seven? Without Him, we can’t do it, but with His love flowing through us, we can. I don’t particularly like people who rub me up the wrong way but Jesus in me can.
When I first became a Christian, a brother said something that really offended me. I knew I had to love my brother. In my own strength, I couldn’t. I could only remember the offense. I prayed. The next day, I heard some people talking about this brother explaining what a really hard time he was having in his life at that stage. That changed my whole view of him. Instead of looking at my hurt , I started feeling his hurt. This is the compassion of Jesus we gain for others.
It is so much better than to be upset and playing the video of the offense over and over again in our mind. This is destructive. Loving our brother instead, is constructive.
What if after all that, it looks like I am still hurting?
What happened to you might have been so difficult that you need someone’s help with it. It is sometimes important to talk to someone about it or to let tears help in releasing the hurt. These emotions are real. You can’t bottle them up. They need to come out or the pressure cooker of your emotions will explode.
We also need to have the tools to recover but it all starts with forgiving the offense.
Christian recovery programs are a good way to start
Once I had forgiven the person, I realised that I had much that was still lingering, a sense of guilt, a sense of shame, grief even. How could I recover from that?
I embarked on a recovery course, more out of curiosity than anything else. Wow! Wasn’t I in for a surprise? This course really helped me to see why things had plagued me the way they had.
I can only encourage you first to forgive and then to start finding answers for your life.
Forgiving people has freed me from what could have even been bad for my health and the rest of my life. Bitterness is like a cankerworm that eats you from within. Forgiveness is freedom.